Pain

When I look back, I went through alot of hardship even as a child. To be honest, I don't remember any good childhood memories. All I can remember is pain and embarrassed moment that I want to forget really bad. Unfortunately, it will always be my nightmare.

I've been bullied and the worst part I did not know that I was bullied. People did a nasty things to me at public but no one try to stop him. I remember I end up cried and told my family about that. Tomorrow morning, my sister talked to my teachers about what the kids do to me and I thought everything will be okay but I end up had no friends. I was alone.

I was lazy and someone that not catch up things really fast. I remember my teacher said I am stupid. It's okay at first but when everyone said I'm stupid every single day. It's not okay. I lost interest in studies and I become real stupid. I couldn't blame them though. I remember that everyone slowly give up on me. People does not care whether I'm doing my homework or study. I become invisible to everyone. Part of that was my faults.

I do have that one friend that I really like. I adore how hardworking she is. Without knowing I become depend on her. Like a cliche in a drama, there was people that envy our friendship. She do a bad things and blame on me. I was disappointed that everyone believe her including that one friend. I remember I cried, I tried to give justice for myself but failed. Even the teachers give me a disgusted look. I was ashamed and again I was alone.

When people already forgot about my 'bad' image. I was so happy and gained new friends but you know, when you being so nice, people always step on your face. Again, people do a bad things to me. I don't know why people treated me like I'm a piece trash. I still can't told people the truth because I was being nice to her. My other friends who knew about that, can't even stand up for me instead they encourage me to take all the blame because they pity her but not me. So I'm a real stupid, I take all the blame.

I met that kind of people during my childhood and in the process of my growth. I start to realize I need to be different so they will accept me. My self-esteem become low. I don't have confident to talk or speak up my mind.

When I met a good people, I mean a really good people who treated me with kindness. I feel insecure. I feel different. Do I deserve that?

It's may seems like a small matter to all of you but it was hard for me when nobody support and cheer you up. Even my family make a joke about me as if it was wrong to live under my skins. As if I'm joke. I feel insecure.

Despite met alot of bad people, I met a good friends who always there for me ups and downs. But, sometimes, my insecurities overpower me that I always push people away. I feel like I never enough. When she hurt my feelings, I put a blame on myself. When I hurt her feelings, I blame myself. Everything I do was never enough. I feel like I'm not enough. I hate it that I start to hate myself. The friendship become toxic. Every good people I met become toxic to me.

I know I'm not telling you a whole story, I'm not going to tell all of you my whole story and every details. It's not something to proud of and it's really embarrassing. Seriously, I'm in tears remember all these things. It's so painful. Those words and those actions give a big impact to me. My self-esteems, anxiety, overthinking, panic attack, insecurities, depression, self harm. All these things make me hate myself. Want to be accepted and pretty like the others.

I didn't want to go on details what else that I face because I think I should keep it from myself as it's really embarrassing and horrible but just want to share that if you run from your problems, 'that' problems will never solve it. I had problems with being attached to people who treat me bad and toxic people now I overcome my problems, although it's hard and painful these people come with lessons. I had financial problems, I had a family problems, I had problems with my friends but if I run from these problem, it will never face it. Later, it will come with more harsh that it is now. But, I'm grateful I'm not running from my problems.

Now when I look where I'm standing. I'm grateful of the things that happen to me whether it's good or bad. I know even it's bad, it is for my own good. I learn alot of things and I become stronger. I learn that I need stand up for myself, I didn't need people acceptance, I'm enough. I try to believe that. Currently, I'm try to bettering myself. If all of these things not happen to me, I am not who I am today because the pain that I feel shape me for who I am today. I believe everything happen for a reasons. A good reasons. Allah always give best for us.

I finally graduated and waiting for my degree. It was still hard to open up to people, I still put a wall with people and anxiety and panic attack are still there but alhamdulillah I recover from depression (maybe) and self harm.

All the pain that we feels, all the hardship we went through, all the struggle we face, come with a lessons and rewards. Selagi mana kau lari daripada masalah, selagi itulah ia menghantui kau. Come out from your comfort zones, fight for what you want. Fight for yourself. Fight for your own good. You grow when you come out from you comfort zones, face your fears. You will be successful. Noted for myself. 

Alhamdulillah.

Sometimes, it's how the way we look at our problems. Our pain. Our struggle. Our hardship. Either we accept with positive or negative.

We have two choices, either face our problems or run from it. Remember, when run from it, it will not settle anything. You still be scared with that problems. Don't make problems block you from chasing your dreams.